Finally put it all together

Over the course of about a week, I have finally summarized my main personality flaw. That flaw being my anger control issues, and my rage outbursts. Sometimes I wonder if it actually is a flaw, but anyway...

Let's start by saying that I do not like to take my anger out on others. I do not even like others to see me express my critical emotions (Anger, sadness, etc). Even if it is a minuscule amount of anger, I usually just bury the negative emotions. Since I do not express my anger regularly, it slowly builds over time. I already have a very low temperament t0 begin with. As all this negativity grows, it becomes easier and easier for me to become agitated. When I become agitated, it only increases my anger level. This situation is only perpetuated, because as my anger increases it becomes easier for me to become agitated. In addition to this, when I become agitated I have a tendency to have self-defeating thoughts. In other words, I unintentionally fuel my own Rage with my thoughts. Finally, something triggers the growing rage. This is what I call a rage outburst. When I have an outburst, I am releasing all of my stored up negative emotions.

During an outburst, I temporarily half-lose consciousness. I can observe my actions, however my mind is clouded with negative emotions. The only thoughts that occur in my mind at this time are ones of destruction. If I do not physically hurt myself or destroy something, my feelings of resentment and hatred still linger. If I do nothing, then I will sit there and brood on my feelings. This usually only increases the intensity of the emotions, and does more harm then good. The only other options I have are: Sleeping, and Pain. Hurting myself and destroying something usually go hand in hand, because I usually punch the floor or the wall. Occasionally, I will accidentally destroy something important/expensive. Usually after a shock of pain, the negative emotions within my mind clear away. Then I am left with my pride hurting, my hand hurting, a broken or damaged objects/wall, and a melancholy that makes The Great Depression look like the Woodstock. If I destroy something important, then I will become even more depressed.

Before the anger reaches Rage, I usually try breathing techniques and the such. It is not very effective before the Rage, and has little to no effect during.



Now I know exactly what occurs during my episodes. My only course of action is to now stop it from occurring or to reduce the occurrences. I believe that the Rage, or maybe the pain, creates a stimulus for Dopamine. Thus, it is very possible that I could be a Rage/Dopamine addict. The same cycle continues to repeat, so this is what I am convinced of.

How am I suppose to control addictive Rage? *sigh*

Obviously sleeping and pain are not long term solutions. They are only a short-term fix for a possibly detrimental problem. The solutions could possibly just be increase the problem. Making it even more difficult.

I really have to figure this out...